Date sent: Sat, 20 Apr 96 22:44:44 0000 Short Story Contest Drugs, Sex and a Strawberry Milkshake Weıve been around, the three of us. Drugs and sex and booze, Drew, Chucky and I, weıve done it all. When you live like us, you never know where youıre going to wake up. Iıve had concrete, steel, and god knows how many trashy womenıs futons for beds, and anything from gunshots to janitors waking me up. Same goes for Drew and Chuck, and itıs been the same since high school. Weıve calmed down a bit since then, we only do it on the weekends now. Working, and then beer and women and heroin. Itıs risky way to live, man, but Iım addicted to the vicissitudes, the highs and the lows, itıs a rut you canıt get out of until something kicks you hard enough. I got that smack in the ass pretty damn good one chilly New York week. I joined the guys a bit late that Monday afternoon at Johnny Sojoıs. Drew had already had two shots of Jack Daniels Black and Chuck had his usual Sex on the Beach, and was on his second and had already received one five fingered salute from a gal who thought his trademark pick-up line was a bit too catchy. I didnıt even have to ask him about it, because his face had a crimson streak to show it. I had to give him credit though. No matter how many girls laughed at him, or gave him a good one in the kisser, he kept trying it. All he needed was for it to work on one woman a weekend, and he usually got it at least once, no sticking around for breakfast, no regrets. ³My nameıs Chucky, thatıs so you know what to scream. I can tell it worked real well this time,² I kidded, elbowing him playfully as I jumped onto the stool theyıd saved for me. Right away the barkeep brought over a gin and tonic. His name was Griff, and he greeted me silently as he did everyday, refreshed the basket of salty snacks that the guys had been chipping away at. Chucky smiled and shook his head. As he spoke he made brought his hands from his drink and carved them through the air, making the figure of an hourglass, ³Hey, man, she was worth a shot. You shouldıve seen her. Long red hair, nice body.² ³And a righty too. You need a new line, Chuck, it ainıt working too well for you anymore,² said Drew. ³Hey, Iıve been getting my share, my friend. Anyhow, enough of this,² Chuck exclaimed flamboyantly gesturing with his hands to show just how much heıd been getting. Changing the topic completely, Chuck said, ³I went to see the doctor today.² I drifted off. Chucky and Drew had some kind of conversation about groins and coughing. That was all that was on their minds. I allowed myself to enjoy the seedy scenery of Sojoıs just a little bit. The women were tawdry, the television had lousy reception, and Johnny Sojo died 20 years ago, which was probably the last time anybody ever cleaned the bathroom. Nevertheless, it was like home. If I wasnıt in bed or an asphalt equivalent, then I was at Sojoıs. The topic had changed by the time I was back. It was still medical and sexually oriented, but somewhat changed. ³The doc says Iıd better ease up on the booze, or Iım gonna get liver cancer or some crap like that. Also I got to be more careful with the ladies he says. Heıs got me figured out pretty good. He said I should come in for a few tests just to be sure.² Drew pulled his forehead back and laughed hoarsely, ³Tests?² ³Ya, he says with some of the thing Iıve been doing, I ought to get Œem. He says my companyıs health insurance policy will cover it. I think Iım going to do it, but Iıd like one of you to go with me.² Tests? It hit me. The way Iıve been living, Iıve probably got everything imaginable. Whatever I have, I donıt want to know. Iım scared, Iım actually scared. What do I have in me right now? I could be dying and not know it. I could be killing and not know it. It was like suddenly understanding reality, and man, I hated it, and reality hated me back. It boils down to this: The way Iıve been living, has already killed, or if I donıt change, will kill me. Right then and there I had a choice. Do I want to go on living in my shoddy little dream world, or do I face the truth? I can go find out whether or not Iım going to die, or wait until I get sick to realize. At that point, I must have been more sober than Iıve ever been because I told Chucky Iıd go along, and Drew came along, not wanting to be left out. ********** It was a Monday evening, so we knew well enough not to get ourselves too drunk before work tomorrow. We covered our bills, and headed for home. I trekked home to my apartment, through the infernal and infinite gnarled avenues of New York. If it werenıt for the 8-track tape player, and my collection of Petty, Springsteen and other assorted road music in my beat up 1978 Rabbit, Iıd go stir-crazy sitting in that traffic every day. I parked my joke of a car in the bantam-sized parking lot, screwed my club on the steering wheel and headed inside. Who would want to steal my Volkswagon anyhow. Iıd actually considered pushing it into the Hudson Bay because I could get a few hundred bucks for the insurance, but it wasnıt worth the gas or effort. If it ever broke down, I eventually decided, Iıd just leave it there, and if someone wanted to steal it, well then Farfignügen to them. I climbed the rickety stairs to my apartment, unlocked it and dragged myself inside. Slipping off my shoes, I grabbed the remote and flipped on the TV and then stared blankly some stupid sitcom that wasnıt funny. I wasnıt really watching. My mind was fixated on the test. I think before I fell asleep on the sofa, a million thoughts whizzed through my head, . From every angle I looked at what this one yes-no test could do to my life. I tried downplaying its importance, saying over and over again to myself, teeth gritted head shaking, It wonıt change a thing, itıs just a stupid test. Then, I thought,Maybe I deserve it. The way I live I might just deserve it. Just before I fell I asleep I asked myself a question: What happens if it comes up negative? My brain only let me give one answer: Maybe itıs time to change.... ******* Chuck got us a HIV test at a university hospital that Wednesday afternoon. We met there after work, and got our tests just as the hospital was about to close for the night. The test was short and painless, and theyıd have results for us Friday morning. That quick, that easy. As simple as dead, not dead. The three of us decided to have a nutritious dinner at McDonaldıs instead of the usual beer and nachos at Sojoıs. The fine cuisine was situated right across the street from the hospital, so we walked silently there, ordered with the sullenness. It was pretty evident that the three of us were thinking about what road we would be taking on Friday. ³Guys, I think Iıve got it,² Chucky declared gravely, choking down some ketchup-smeared French fries, ³I heard this women I was with tested positive. Iım actually kind of scared.² Chucky isnıt scared too often. The way he said it, it had Chuckyıs characteristic flamboyance, but you could tell from the look on his face that he was frightened. Drew hadnıt said a thing. His Big Mac remained untouched, and he just sat in the booth, hands in his laps with his back rigid and a blank expression. Without even noticing it, I drowned my miseries in about thirty dollars of McDonaldıs grease. People react differently to duress, I like to eat. The chewing kept my mind off of the other things. Thirty dollars at McDonaldıs equates to about seven thousand calories, five pounds of meat, and about a kilogram of fat, not to mention $6.49 worth of Immodium AD. But I was oblivious to that now, my brain was in a state of isolation, thoughts and perceptions were not allowed to pass through it, I was having a breakdown. From the looks on Chucky and Drewıs faces as they watched me gluttonize myself though, it would have been worth a billion dollars to have the truth obscured for the two hours. The twisted looks of concern for themselves, for each other, seemed unbearable. I felt it too, but I didnıt want to show it, I wouldnıt let myself show it. It was night when we finally mustered the energy to get up. I felt incredibly bloated and sick, even with the half an hour weıd just been sitting there, for my stomach to begin the digestion. ³So where are we going? I gotta make a stop at CVS.² ³Iım not surprised. I canıt believe how much you ate,² said Drew, shaking his head, ³well, letıs figure out where weıre going. I think we need to have some fun. I donıt know, letıs go to the arcade or the pool hall or something.² Iıd known Chuck long enough to know he was about to come up with one of his brilliant ideas. Some of the ideas Chucky had were wild, and this was no different. ³Letıs screw work tomorrow and go skiing in Berkshires. I mean I can get off work, and I know you can Drew. Letıs go. Hey, weıre all going to die anyhow right, we might as well live. Nah, seriously remember when we used to go there in college? It was the best!. Iım telling you, weıve been sitting in goddamn McDonaldıs for two hours, and I know you guys have been thinking what I have. Youıve been thinking itıs time for a new start. I donıt know why we let something so small get to us, but it got to me too.² Chucky was right. I could see Drew knew it too. I remembered our college days well. Too well maybe. Chuck had a friend back then who had a cabin at Brodie Peak, and he used to invite a whole lot of us up there and weıd drink and ski. Those were the days, but as the old Springsteen song goes, ³Glory days, theyıll pass you buy, glory days.² Alas our old drinking partner sold his cabin and moved to Shit Towne, USA, where his is probably boozing himself into a coma like us, or has already extincted himself in a bottle of port. With all those items taken into consideration, I stood there a bit still confused at Chuckyıs random idea which sounded fun, but made no logical sense. I could get off work, but I where would I get the money and where would we stay, and the fact that I hadnıt skied in five years. With an ³Are you stupid?² tone in my voice I explained to Chucky exactly how retarded his idea was. There was no way that anyone could convince me to go on some winter safari in another state. Chucky being Chucky however, I found myself unpacking my duffel bag in a motel at the base of Brodie Peak somewhere in Massachusetts five or so hours later. ******* ³This is stupid, I canıt believe I let you talk me in to this Chuck,² I said, shaking my head. ³Shut up and get some sleep so we can have some fun tomorrow.² suggested Drew wisely, as he tossed his keys on the TV, ³You two can have the beds, the floorıll be better for my back anyhow.² I climbed into the tiny bed without much hesitation. I lay there for awhile, trying to figure out just what my situation would be for tomorrow. Iıd ATMed enough cash to make it, and nothing was better than skiing, even though I never get to do it. The only thing left on my mind was the simple question, ³Why am I even here?² No answer seemed to be too clear. Why would we come here in the midst of a crisis? Why would we go to the place that seems to be the root of our problems. The mountain where really weıd become the junkies that we are. The infernal hill where social drinking became boozing, where fooling around became sex and where cigarettes became speed, crack, coke and opium. The answer for me would be Chucky made me come. But now as I look back, I would say God wanted me to get a different perspective, and a fresh start, and right there, without saying to anyone, I promised God that I would, and I would do it right this time. God told me to love that mountain, to make it not the roots of my failures, but the new origin of my successes I would. ****** Any ski junkie could tell you that no one ever hits the slope on a Thursday morning. This was no different. The winter wind whipped though my hair, and only my headband saved my ears from falling off, but all that mattered were the trails were pristine, the snow fluffy and untouched, and the three of us could regain our form unperturbed by lift lines, small children, and the growing nemesis of teenage punk snowboarders. By the third run weıd regained our skills, and we were off to a invigorating and exciting day of fun, taking risks and doing jumps. It got our minds completely off what awaited us back in the city the next morning. When I thought about it that night, I realized a the little diversion had completely changed my attitude. Whatever the test results, I still had a lot of time left, and it was time to enjoy that yet to be determined thread of time. ****** We stayed overnight and left early in the morning. Enjoying the scenery and just being with my friends, I found it a lot easier to enter the hospital with my greater capacity to deal with bad news. We took the elevator to the floor where weıd been told to go on Wednesday, and signed ourselves in at the counter, and nervously waited to be called. ³I want you guys to go with me. Itıll make it easier,² Drew stammered, ³I know Iım acting like a coward, but really, please.² Drewıs spineless antics made me even more nervous, and I didnıt want to alone either all of the sudden. So I proposed to Drew that we go together, and Chucky wanted in too. Almost all of the time we pretend to be macho guys to impress each other, but now was the moment to show our sensitive sides, because each of truly needed each other a hell of a lot. We told the nurse we wanted to go in all together. Without hesitation, she agreed to it. She obviously had a sense of how tough an ordeal a test like this could be, and five minutes later the three of us shuffled into the doctorıs office shoulder to shoulder. I said a little prayer, and sat down. Chucky and Drew were seated just as I was, elbows on their knees, chins resting on the heels of their hands. I think Drew was saying a little prayer, and Chucky was simply petrified. The doctor removed three documents from three envelopes and read them over. His young bespectacled face remained unchanged as he perused the text, giving my curious eyes nothing to draw any inferences with. The doctor began to speak, ³I have your the results of all three of your tests here. Let me begin by saying that our hospital has the one of the best facilities for the treatment of HIV-positive persons...² Oh my god, he is talking about treatment. ³Do you wish to know the results of your tests now? It is up to you. You may remain uninformed if you so desire.² Skittishly, I nodded, as did the others. He verified our names, and his lips began to form the words, ³Very well then...² Please God...I know I havenıt been so good but if you help me out I promise, I swear Iıll change, I will. I promised you earlier and I promise you again. ³All three of you have tested...² Time froze. I felt like I was like a helpless person in a action movie watching the hero get killed. I wanted to shout, ³NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,² and then break down and cry like the sidekick sprawled to the side of the fallen star thespian. ³Negative. I hope this remains the case. Good luck, and have a nice day, gentlemen. Nurse! Send in the next please.² I allowed myself a faint smile, and fought back the tears. ****** Thoroughly numb and muted, the three of us meandered out of the doctorıs office and into the elevator. Sensing the mutual need for a place to sit, we navigated ourselves to the hospital cafe, and took a seat. No food, no drinks. We sat there immersed in our thoughts for a moment. I think today each of lost two good friends, and but we each made two new reliable better friends. I let out a faint smile, and then I laughed lightly, and the Chuck and Drew followed. We laughed at how silly weıd been, how gutless weıd acted. ³Ah, cımon, guys,² I chuckled, ³Letıs get out of here.² And so we did, we did get out of there, and out of everything weıd gotten ourselves into with the help of God. With the help of God, now, we began the rest of our lives, and we decided to start with a trip to a our happy hunting ground, Johnny Sojoıs. ****** Itıs incredible what something so small can do to a person. All you really need to fix up a drunk is a few hours of sobriety and a good dose of reality. I know we had it in us the whole time just yearning to get out, but it really takes looking death down the barrel to make yourself get into shape. That Friday afternoon, at our last trip to Sojoıs we sat at our usual positions at the bar. Griff, our usual bartender brought us our usual drinks, and our usual basket of salty snacks. We just pushed them away, laughed heartily, and had the old bartender bring us three strawberry milkshakes.